Archive for April, 2009

Maybe I’m Not Up For Being a Victim of Love

I am usually not big on telling all my business.  Hence, my blog is typically rife with humorous anecdotes or general opinions about life, but I rarely dispel my innermost thoughts and feelings.  Back when the “25 Random Things” bit was making the rounds on Facebook, I did my part for the fad and contributed my list, wherein I confessed the following:

 

18.  I filled out the free eHarmony personality profile to see what it would say about me, only to realize later that the only thing it really said was: You are alone.

 

Jessica, Kelli, and perhaps a few others knew that I did that (prior to me posting it on Facebook, obviously), and Kelli even helped me fill the thing out.  Everybody had been prodding me to sign up for eHarmony – you know, since I’m single and approaching ancient – but I resisted the peer pressure.  So, to quell the protests, I filled out the profile, had an emotional breakdown, and then forgot all about it a few days later.

 

Then, just before Valentine’s Day weekend, eHarmony started emailing me like crazy to advertise their “Free Communication” weekend.  On those few days, people who are not members (i.e. have not shelled out their life savings to eHarmony) can talk to their “matches” for free.  You still can’t see pictures unless you pay, but you can at least talk to other people.

 

For those who are unaware, let me give a little rundown on how eHarmony basically works:

 

·          You fill out your Personality Profile (which is free, as I mentioned) and answer about a million questions about yourself.  It’s mostly “on a scale of 1 to 10” kind of stuff, and some sections ask you to select from a list of adjectives or qualities that describe yourself or how you think others see you.  You also answer questions like, “how often do you drink/smoke/etc.?” followed by how often you would accept those things in a prospective match.  You can even select which religions you’d be OK getting matched with, and you can narrow that down to particular denominations if you choose.  You choose an age range, and how far you’re willing to go for love (100 miles, a particular state or group of states, or even which countries, up to the whole world).  These answers go into some kind of compatibility algorithm, and you start to get “matched.”  Since I wasn’t really seriously considering it, I set my parameters to the whole world, and I had to turn matching off because I was getting so many emails.

 

·         Once you decide to peruse your matches, you immediately see names, ages, and locations.  Then, you can click on a link to go and view that person’s profile and any pictures they have uploaded (providing you are a paying member, of course).  Some of the answers from the personality profile are automatically loaded in, like “The Four Things Your Friends Say About You” or “What are three of your best life-skills?”  Others are sections that you actually have to fill in, like a questionnaire (i.e. “What are you most passionate about?”, “What are the three things for which you are most thankful?” “What is the first thing people notice about you?”, “Describe the last book that you read and enjoyed?” and so on.)

 

·         If you decide this person strikes your fancy, then you can communicate.  (If not, you close the match and choose a reason why from the list.  Just don’t put “Other” as your reason, because I’m pretty sure that means, “I think you’re butt-ugly.”)  If you do communicate, you have your choice of “Guided Communication” or a “Fast Track.”  With “Fast Track,” you basically just jump right into sending emails back and forth (on the eHarmony server).  Most users have their preference listed as “Guided Communication,” which means that you begin by choosing 5 multiple choice questions from a list to send to your match.  If they respond, you can read their responses and then answer their 5 questions in return.  After that, you go into essay-type questions, and then on to email.  There are options for a secure phone call, too, where you can talk to your matches without divulging your personal contact information.  At any point during the communication, if you decide this isn’t the one for you, you can close the match and give your multiple-choice reason.  The other person then has an opportunity to send one final communication, and that’s the end of it.  Nice and tidy.

 

Now, during the free communication weekend, I was just tinkering around, so I sent out the 5 questions to everybody on my match list (unless their profile was particularly heinous).  I got some responses, but there’s not a lot you can do in two days unless you happen to be communicating with someone who lives on their computer.  I was at my apartment on Sunday night (and the free communication cut off at midnight), so I checked eHarmony via my cell phone.  Someone was trying to communicate with me, so I played along and realized that you can really fly through the guided communication in an hour or so if you’re both online, but given the nature of the questions, you really don’t know anything more about the person than you did when you read the profile.  In the emailing stage, it was about 5 minutes till midnight, so I told the guy that I was not a member and had no intention of becoming one.  He asked how he could contact me, and I gave him my IM screen name.

 

WELL.  By Monday morning when he IMed me (and bear in mind that we’d only just “met” at about 10pm on Sunday), he was ready to ride off into the sunset.  More particularly, he was ready to drive up to Virginia (from about 3 hours away in NC) to spend time with me.  Oh!  And he wondered if it would be OK if he stayed with me.  Naturally, I said “yes, by all means” and we were married on Tuesday and have been living secretly happily ever after for these last few months.

 

Either that, or I turned to Kelli and said, “Holy crap.  This dude is freakin’ insane.  What am I supposed to do now?”  She suggested I tell him that he’s a psycho and this is why he couldn’t get a girl, and while she is usually the more tender-hearted one in our office, I felt bad about the prospect of hurting his feelings.  So, I tried to back him off gently by saying I wasn’t in any hurry and that, in all my previous relationships, things had developed very slowly from friendship to something more, and I felt that was the best way.  He did not see the point of that at all, but it still took me a few days to shake him off completely.  (It was like “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” – I kept acting crazier and crazier, and yet he would not be moved.)  I think I finally convinced him I was a hopeless commitment-phobic and he wished me good luck in the future and moved on to the next unsuspecting soul.

 

That was the end of my eHarmony experience for a while.  Kelli and Jessica did not want me to be deterred.  They both said I just so happened to get one of the few crazy people, and I should not let that discourage me.  Nevertheless, I remained skeptical and disinterested.  Then, I got another of those eHarmony “You know you’re lonely and hopeless, so please sign up” emails.  This one offered a very steep discount for a month-long membership.  (Ordinarily, you could probably purchase a spouse from overseas for less than the cost of a membership to eHarmony.)

 

Without telling anyone, I decided to check out eHarmony for a month at the discounted rate.  Partly, I was curious about how it worked.  And partly, I was afraid that everybody was right and I was destined to find the love of my life on this stupid website, and that if I didn’t try it, I would indeed become the old maid my mother has always insisted I would be.  I didn’t tell anyone because, for one, I didn’t really want to have to explain that I failed miserably, and for two, if I did happen to meet someone, I would not have told a soul about that until three weeks after the wedding.  And then I would have concocted some grandiose story about how we met that had absolutely nothing to do with the internet.

 

The timing of my experiment was a bit unfortunate.  Given the complete disintegration of every seemingly-stable marriage around me, my general outlook on love and happily-ever-after was pretty jaded.  So, essentially, I figured I was looking for which guy I would most like to rip my heart out and stomp on it.

 

I significantly reduced the distance I was willing to go to meet these folks, but my number of matches was still overwhelming, since I rarely logged in to check them.  So basically, I decided that I would look at profiles as time allowed, but I was not going to be proactive about contacting any of them.  After all, as Stu Weber wrote, “Masculinity means initiation,” and I most certainly cannot be with some timid little girly-man.  So, I decided that, for me, if these men didn’t have the gumption to initiate communication with me, then I did not desire to talk with them.

 

Unfortunately, most of the men who did contact me were not ones I wanted to talk to, based on their profiles.  Not to worry, when I closed the matches, I said it was because I was “pursuing another relationship,” because I figured that’s the least disheartening of the choices.  After all, they just got there a little too late, right?  And technically, I am pursuing another relationship – it’s just not with them, and not in the near future.

 

My little experiment did serve to reinforce the realization that I am a very picky person.  My friends tease me about it, but seriously – it takes me months of deliberation to buy a new pair of shoes, so how much more difficult is it going to be for me to find a man I really think I could stand to be around FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?  That is a really long time.  (At least I hope it is.)

 

For one thing, if the profile was full of misspelled words and bad grammar, they were pretty much getting the axe.  Everybody who knows me knows how I feel about that kind of thing anyway, but it’s not like I refuse to be friends (or more) with people who don’t excel in that area.  What I do take issue with is that this online profile is the one and only way that this person is introducing themselves to me.  It would be like getting a job resume with misspelled words and grammatical errors – there is no sense in that.  So, needless to say, the guy who wrote, “I am not conceded, but I am confident,” was not on the top of my list.  Same goes for the man who had “a since of accomplishment.”

 

There were also profiles written in ALL CAPS WHICH IS TOTALLY ANNOYING AND COMPLETELY LACKING IN ETIQUETTE and others who apparently had a broken “Shift” key.  Why would you not even capitalize your name, for goodness’ sake?!?

 

I was also less than impressed by profiles where every essay-style answer was covered in just a few words – maybe not even a full sentence.  The idea is to get a little snapshot of the person’s personality – a point which some of the men obviously missed.  For example, “Gonna have to find out” is not an acceptable answer to any question on the eHarmony profile.

 

Despite the simple human instinct that we all have (myself included), I tried not to do too much “judging a book by the cover” once I could see the profile pictures.  Still, I scoffed at the people who uploaded (as their one and only profile picture) a group shot of ten people.  I could barely see anyone, and even if I could, how was I supposed to know which was the guy?  I am pleased to say that I did not run across any profiles where the person googled for “male model” to swipe a photo.  And any guys who posted gratuitous pictures of themselves flexing in a mirror definitely went on the Heck No List.  As for the 30-year old (yes, I said 30!) whose only photo was his high school senior picture, bow-tie and all…I mean, really?  Seriously?  That’s the best picture you could come up with?

 

As far as the rest of the profiles, some things raised my red flags and sent some men to the chopping block.  For instance, if the last “book” you read and enjoyed was Maxim, you are probably not the man for me.  I also have no desire to date a “huge Journey fan” whose favorite books are that Obama book and “Marley and Me.” REALLY?!?

 

Any profile that contained the word “golf” more than ten times was a no-go.  To the guy who said “I will rock your socks off,” I say, “No, indeed you will not.”  I rolled my eyes at Mr. “Live while you love, love while you live.”  And I wasn’t terribly excited to get to know the guy who kept talking about his “brother from another mother.”

 

Another common point of contention:  While I may have had my doubts about men who listed Van Halen or “My big screen TV named Bob” under the 5 Things they couldn’t live without, I could at least appreciate the honesty, even if I questioned their life choices.  However, I do not understand why SO many “5 things” lists read like this:

 

1.        God

2.       Jesus

3.       The Holy Spirit

4.       Prayer

5.       Church

 

Ho-kay.  So you’re a big ol’ Christian.  Good for you.  I think that is somewhat inherent in this whole eHarmony thing, but hey – I definitely want someone who is firm in their faith.  I do NOT, however, want a guy who is so obviously beefing up his profile with as much religious mumbo jumbo as possible, in the hopes that will increase his chances of getting a girl.  There was plenty of room in the other questions to make it clear that God was my top priority.  I didn’t answer every single question to show how pious I am – I answered them to give a little bit of insight into who I am as a person beyond that.  For comparison, my five things I “can’t live without” were listed as follows:

 

1.       Music (and an iPod to hold it all)

2.       TV on DVD

3.       My car

4.       Water bottles (which I refill and freeze)

5.       Pasta

 

Sure, I can’t live without God, much like I can’t live without oxygen and my brain and a million other common sense answers.  I just didn’t feel the need to say that in every other sentence.  It has been my general experience that people who do nothing but talk about how holy they are ALL THE TIME are really anything but, and I have had enough false piety to last a lifetime.

 

When my month was over, I was honestly relieved to be done with it.  I felt as though I had checked something off my to-do list.  So, the next time someone suggests I try eHarmony (or the like), I can say “been there, done that” and know I’m not missing anything.

 

My friends tell me that God is not going to send the man of my dreams to my front door wrapped in a bow with a card that says “From: God,” but hey — He could if He wanted to!  And while I do not expect anything that obvious, I guess God will send the right person along when it’s the right time.  I do sometimes worry that it will never be the right time, but I guess that doesn’t exactly help anything, does it?

 

All of my previous relationships have come as a huge shock to me, and in every case, God was in control and I learned a lot about myself through those experiences.  I also learned that there are some really great guys out there, because I’ve dated some of them, and I am certainly not going to downgrade!

 

I am sure that many people have gone on to find great happiness at eHarmony, and I am thrilled for them.  (Provided, of course, that they do not come anywhere near me with their sickening lovey-dovey crap.)  It just so happens that eHarmony is not the solution for me.  I have a better chance of finding the man of my dreams gift-wrapped at my front door.

Flooding Me With Their Fallacies

This article crossed my desk today and I found it very interesting.  It is always encouraging to see non-religious groups popping up and using simple logic to backup biblical principles — even if that is not their intent. 

I guess even at Ivy League schools, there are students who don’t appreciate being “indoctrinated” by a liberal agenda – even though that word is generally reserved for pointing fingers at the conservative, Bible-believing crowd.

It occurs to me that there was once a time when scientists believed the world was flat, even though the Bible states otherwise.  Perhaps one day we will all learn to put a little more stock in what’s written in those ancient pages.

_________________________________________

Collegiate Sex-Ed
Ryan T. Anderson, The Witherspoon Institute
February 03, 2009

Every fall, kids arrive on college campuses and learn that their basic moral intuitions on sexual matters don’t square with the reigning ideas. Thanks to debased campus culture and overreaching on the part of administrators and professors, students are beginning to respond systematically—and they’re having an impact. Here’s how.

No two undergraduate experiences are quite the same. But the undergraduate years are marked by certain commonalities: students are challenged intellectually, socially, and ethically. Long-held beliefs are forced to submit to rational scrutiny. No longer is “that’s just the way we do it” or “that’s just the way I feel about the issue” sufficient. In philosophy classrooms and biology labs, students are expected to slough off the opinions they held in their pre-critical-thinking days and adopt the conclusions of the best arguments. Everything is to be tested, and only the rationally defensible is to be retained.

Most students arrive at college knowing few, if any, of their classmates. Navigating the maze of social expectations and the ensuing climbing of social ladders in a community of strangers, students are forced to ask themselves questions: what type of a person am I; what type do I want to become; and with what type do I want to become friends? For many, this explicit self-examination and social-selection—choosing which finite group of people to befriend from a seemingly limitless pool of possibilities—is a first-time experience. In grade school, junior high, and high school, such choices weren’t quite as necessary—there were certain cliques and people just naturally fell into place. Get to college and you get to reinvent yourself—you have to define yourself one way or another.

No longer living under their parents’ roof, no longer in a supportive school, neighborhood, or church community, students no longer have external supports encouraging them to strive to meet the demands of ethical living—and holding them accountable when they fail. Instead, they find themselves subjected to new forms of pressure: a campus culture that demands conformity as the price of social acceptance, a professoriate that preaches new ethical dogmas, and administrators whose policies recognize no values but legality, liability, and physical health. It’s easy to see how otherwise virtuous students can begin to go astray—and how those already set on a bad path from high school have little hope of reforming themselves.

Yet most students arrive at college completely unaware of the patterns of life that await them. The fact is that many unsuspecting freshmen innocently join sports teams, enter into Greek life, and otherwise expect to lead active social lives, but have little idea of what sexual expectations are awaiting. Once seduced into the campus culture, they find it hard to break free. Even if dissatisfied and unfulfilled, they assume the problem is with them, not the culture. And for those who resist it from the get-go, it’s unclear what the alternative is.

Apart from some religious campuses and religious enclaves on secular campuses, the late teens and early twenties are a bit of a wandering. Sex is to be expected, but with no expectation of commitment, never mind marriage. Those desiring an alternative have no example to look to, no role-models to emulate. Gone are the days of courtship. Gone are the days of dating as an explicit preparation for marriage. Gone are the days of using one’s late adolescence and early adulthood to form the habits, the stable dispositions, the virtues required for healthy male-female relationships—both friendships and marriage. Instead, exploitation looms large. And most marriages fail.

But it only gets worse. Campus officials in lecture halls and administrative offices, rather than challenging debased campus culture, actually aid and abet it. “Abstinence education?” That’s a scientifically disproven method of avoiding pregnancy and disease. A pill and a latex sheath is all you need. “Chastity?” Hardly a virtue, the best moral philosophy and clinical psychology tell us that it’s a vice—an unhealthy attitude of repressing sexual desire, hating one’s body, and viewing sex as dirty. Courtship, dating, marriage, and then sex? All you need are consenting adults (in any number or pairings) to have good sex. And marriage is an outdated ideal anyway.

Most won’t buy that last argument—they still long for a marital relationship, of some sort, at some point. But they don’t know how to get there or what to do now. And anyone entering the secular academy holding anything resembling traditional Judeo-Christian views about sex, marriage, and the human family had better be prepared to meet the challenging questions coming his or her way. Why not pornography and masturbation as an alternative outlet to rape? Why not some pre-marital sex and cohabitation as a means of better getting to know one another, to see if you can live together before the wedding vows, to see if you’re sexually compatible before the wedding night? And even if not as preparation for marriage, why not hook-up just as a sign of temporary affection, and, well, because it’s fun, enjoyable, pleasurable?

Yet it’s not just the hook-up culture. If you think men and women are equal in dignity yet distinct and complementary, bringing unique and special gifts to bear on all aspects of life, expect to be called a sexist. If you think mothering and fathering are different, “parenting” in the abstract doesn’t exist as such, expect to be met with hostility. And if you’re at an Ivy League University and intend on being a mom first and foremost, expect to be told that you’re going to waste your education.

But the worst of all university dogmas to reject is the goodness and worth of the homosexual lifestyle. You think two men or two women can’t legitimately enter into a loving and committed relationship? Well, you’re no better than the bigots who opposed interracial marriage. You think a homosexual orientation is intrinsically disordered and homosexual acts are objectively immoral? Can you say “homophobia”? And good luck if you’re someone who experiences same-sex attractions but doesn’t desire to be gay. You will be labeled as self-loathing.

From liberal dogmas on homosexuality to liberationist agendas on sex, feminism and marriage, from the social pressures put on guys and girls to be sexually active to the resulting pornography, masturbation, alcohol, and body-image problems—college campuses aren’t a pretty sight.

After my own four years as an undergraduate at Princeton, the problem was readily apparent to me, and a potential remedy seemed worth trying: rather than cowering away from the liberal orthodoxy on human sexuality, why don’t we subject it to intense, critical, rational scrutiny, expose it as intellectually wanting, and build a social network to oppose it?

February 2005 saw the launch of a new student group at Princeton, the Elizabeth Anscombe Society, named for the famed Cambridge philosophy professor, star student and successor of Ludwig Wittgenstein, and intellectual defender of traditional sexual ethics. The Anscombe Society set for itself a lofty mission:
 
We aim to foster an atmosphere where sex is dignified, respectful, and beautiful; where human relationships are affirming and supportive; where motherhood is not put at odds with feminism; and where no one is objectified, instrumentalized, or demeaned. We aim to increase the level of respect among members of the university community who disagree on these issues as we explore our common understandings as well as our differences. Lastly, we hope to provide those students who strive to understand, live, and love their commitment to chastity and ‘traditional’ sexual and familial ethics with the support they need to make their time at Princeton the best it can be.
 
The students who formed the Anscombe Society were tired of being subjected to a dehumanizing campus culture and hoped to point to an alternative, more excellent way. They were tired of the one-sided presentation of academic arguments related to marriage and family life—biased syllabi inside the classroom and monolithic student groups outside the classroom—and so they hoped to balance the intellectual conversation. Lastly, they were tired of an administration that absurdly claimed to be morally neutral when it came to matters of sexuality while consistently promoting liberal and liberationist sexual policies. They were determined to hold the administration accountable and seek change.

To achieve these ends, the Anscombe Society followed a three-pronged approach.

First and foremost, as a group at an academic institution and as heirs of Anscombe’s legacy, the Anscombe Society was about ideas—the give and take of reasons, the making and countering of arguments. Too often the academy has its own orthodoxy on issues of sexuality, and the prevailing orthodoxies are treated as immune from challenge. In classrooms, administrative offices, student groups, and student publications, an unquestionable dogma had been established. The Anscombe Society, through guest lecturers, newspaper op-eds, and discussion groups, provided serious and respectful academic responses and counter-arguments. The scholars they brought to campus to give public lectures made the intellectual case for a traditional conception of human sexuality and the human family from a multi- and inter-disciplinary perspective that drew on outstanding scholarly works of philosophy, theology, ethics, biology, medicine, psychiatry, psychology, economics, and sociology. They created an academic database on their website with the best articles from these same disciplines.

Now, the practical reality on most college campuses is that the main attacks on traditional sexual morality come from the constant onslaught of same-sex marriage advocates and feminists. Just from the need to play defense, these became central issues of response. For a student arriving on campus with basically sound intuitions about these issues—that there’s something to the fact that we come as male and female, something about our sexual differentiation that matters, and something about male and female forming husbands and wives to become fathers and mothers that mattered—but who couldn’t articulate a robust response to the campus LGBT and feminist groups or their ethics and politics professors, the Anscombe Society offered much-needed intellectual support. These students aren’t bigots. These students aren’t misogynists. But those are the charges you’d get if you voiced traditional thoughts on these issues on many elite secular college campuses today.

As the defense of traditional marriage was made, it quickly became apparent that the argument only runs as a conclusion from the underlying principle—virtue—of chastity. And so the Anscombe Society quickly began shifting from just a response to same-sex marriage and anti-feminine feminism to a whole-hearted proposal of chaste relationships as the most fulfilling. The Anscombe Society was committed to presenting the fullness of truth when it came to the intellectual case for the human family. (With one notable exception, the group abstained from taking a position on the issue of contraception.) Intellectual arguments—that was the first prong.

Second, but equally important given the social realities on college campuses, the Anscombe Society set out to form a supportive community. If you’re one of the few who is personally committed to living a chaste life, you can often feel quite alone on a college campus. Don’t get me wrong; it’s not as if everyone is having sex all the time. But it changes the way you approach considering even the possibility of dating at college if you think that all of your potential suitors will eventually get to the point where they’re expecting sexual favors from you. As a result, many chaste students just withdraw. Part of it is that they simply don’t know who the other like-minded students are; part of it is that they think their ideals are outdated on campus, so they never speak up about them—and other like-minded students do the same. And so they never know how many of them are really out there. The Anscombe Society wanted to bring this closeted community out into the open—to get people to meet and know each other, and to provide alternative social activities for those students who didn’t quite enjoy the usual weekend scene of drunken debauchery. One of the best ideas they had was holding a reception for students sponsored by the faculty who affirmed the virtue of chastity and traditional marriage. Robert George, a professor in Princeton’s Politics department, took the lead in hosting the event. The first year there were eight faculty co-hosts. This past year, just four years later, there were just under twenty—even among the professoriate they don’t know how many of them are out there.

The third task was to provide assistance to those students who needed help in meeting the ethical goals they had set for themselves. This proved to be too ambitious, demanding, and technical for a mere student group. Addictions to pornography, body-image problems, same-sex attractions, usually require professional assistance. Not surprisingly, that’s why Princeton has an LGBT Center, a Women’s Center, and various other special centers with full-time staff people to meet the needs of students. Nothing like that exists for students taking the other side of the moral divide on these questions. At Princeton, the Anscombe Society is negotiating establishment such a center right now.

Predictably, a group like this starting at an Ivy League university made waves. At first it was treated as a novelty. Then some people were threatened by the existence of the group; others were shocked that Princeton would allow a group that held “homophobic” and “anti-woman” views. But within the first couple of months the media started paying attention. Reports began to run in the New York Times, on Jay Leno, and in various social conservative publications and TV shows. The most unusual thing reporters noted about the group was that it wasn’t religious—the students thought reason was on their side.

Along with the media attention came interest from students at other campuses who wanted to start up similar groups. We readily assisted them. Over time it became clear that this assistance couldn’t continue on an informal level, and we organized a 501c3 non-profit group to help provide material support for the groups, and two years ago we hired a full-time employee to launch a national organization called the Love and Fidelity Network that would begin planting similar groups on university campuses in order to create a national network. This fall the Love and Fidelity Network held their first annual conference. A hundred students from twenty schools—including Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Brown, Dartmouth, Columbia, and Cornell—attended. America’s leading scholars on these issues made presentations.

All of that said, there are important lessons to be learned about starting an Anscombe Society. There are pitfalls and mistakes to avoid, based on how similar groups at other campuses have been launched or what a previous model looked like prior to the advent of Anscombe at Princeton.
 
1. Avoid anything that is too touchy-feely, too cutsey, too first-person personal, confessional, or self-referential. This is to be a serious group of serious ideas.

2. Avoid anything resembling chastity pledges, vows, or rings.

3. Do not sacrifice integrity to numbers. Softening your positions on various controversial issues in an attempt to drive up membership numbers defeats the entire purpose of a group like this. The goal isn’t to be popular; the goal is to provide a robust account of the more excellent way.

4. Be religion-friendly but do not be founded on religious premises or arguments. The purpose of a group like the Anscombe Society is to explain how traditional conceptions of the family and the role of sex within the family are more humanly fulfilling. Focusing on the human sciences—philosophy, sociology, psychology, medicine, biology, law, economics, political theory, etc.—should suffice.

5. Remember the doctrine of the mean: the virtuous positions lies between two vices on either extreme. As such, don’t overreact. Don’t respond to campus culture by going too far in the other direction and returning us to aspects of a previous age that have rightly been left behind. Consider three examples:

   a. Sticking with the above: you don’t need to be secularist or anti-religion. There are good theological reasons for the traditional family—and you can include theological reasons as one among many. For example, a panel on religious reasons from across the traditions (Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, etc.) would be effective.

   b. Speaking truth in love on the issue of homosexuality is very difficult. There is the temptation to water-down the truth or to express it in a non-loving way. Anti-gay bigotry is real. It is to be avoided.

   c. Forcing women back into the home, barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen is not the proper response to the Ivy League professor who looks at you incredulously when you tell her that the most important thing in your life is the desire to be a good mom. Finding creative ways to merge your vocation as mother and vocation as scholar, lawyer, doctor, etc. is the way to go. Modern work schedules and professional life were largely formed around gender arrangements from a time long-ago, and they need not be retained. This is the work for the new feminism.

6. Preaching to the choir is not the same as intellectual engagement with campus culture. There is a time and a place for building up the base and equipping the students with basically sound dispositions with solid argumentation. There is also a need to be provocative and shake other students out of their complacent acceptance of liberal dogma. Finding ways to do this and to meet people where they are is key. The goal is securing intellectual and moral conversion.

7. The focus should be on marriage, not chastity. If people ask, “what’s the Anscombe Society all about,” the answer they should get is: “promoting stable and healthy marriages.” Chastity is the virtue that fosters this—both before and during, both inside and outside of marriage. Emphasize the end goal—the good—that you seek to promote.
 

The future for groups like these is bright. In response to debased campus culture coupled with overreaching on the part of administrators and professors, students are beginning to respond systematically—and they’re having an impact. I don’t foresee the basic situation changing in the near-term. We’ll continue to have basically decent kids come to college with basically sound intuitions, and then they’ll be bombarded with alternative messages. The need is to equip them with arguments to know that their basic gut instinct about Adam and Steve is correct; that wanting to have a family and be a mom and be educated is OK. The need is to create alternative environments to counter the cultural pressures that can lead passion to override reason, to form communities of virtue.

But meeting this challenge will not be easy. Survey data on the next generation shows views on the family and sexuality that are quite at odds with the vision of Elizabeth Anscombe. To persuade this generation of the truths Anscombe defended, we’ll need a new generation of scholars, from all the academic disciplines, willing to turn their scholarship toward defending the human family and the principles of morality that protect it and the virtues that sustain it. Given our academic setting, it’s fair to encourage all students, especially graduate students, to consider devoting their research to these issues. And professors shouldn’t be afraid to speak out. Elizabeth Anscombe certainly wasn’t.

Ryan T. Anderson is editor of Public Discourse: Ethics, Law, and the Common Good <http://www.thepublicdiscourse.com> . This essay is adapted from a paper presented at the annual conference of the Center for Ethics and Culture at the University of Notre Dame. Copyright 2009 the Witherspoon Institute <http://www.winst.org> . All rights reserved.

I’m Always Driving in my Mind

This weekend, I set off on a Pilgrimage to Mecca.  Granted, my “pilgrimage” was a two hour road trip to Jamestown, NC, and my Mecca was the Derek Webb concert at Friendly Hills Church, but the basic idea was the same.  Derek Webb’s music has always served to restore my soul, and Derek himself restores my faith in Christianity.

 

I’m not trying to lay all of that at Derek’s door – he is a good man, but a man all the same.  But God has worked through his music to teach me many things in the last decade, and I do not take that for granted.  So, whenever Derek plays within a few hours of home, I make it a point to go.

 

My usual cohort bailed with some lame excuse about a vacation with her husband (heh), so I thought I’d be making this trip solo.  At the last minute, though, my friend Katie came through in the clutch and agreed to come along.

 

I introduced her to Derek’s music on the way down, and much to my delight, before we even crossed the state line, she was excited about seeing the show.  She even recognized some of the old Caedmon’s Call catalog, either from radio years ago, or from the fact that we’ve been friends for almost as long as I’ve been listening to Derek’s music, so I’m sure she’s heard it before through me.

 

We made great time on our trip and scoped out the church before heading to Fuddruckers for dinner.  We still made it back to the church nearly an hour and a half before showtime.  Derek was there, so I got a chance to talk with him a little bit before the show.  He was setting up merch, and two awesome gray-haired church secretaries were preparing to sell tickets.  With the opening band and sound guys and various folks milling around, I guess they were trying to account for the people in the foyer, and they turned to me and said, “Are you with the entourage?”  Ha!  I’m pretty sure Derek has never had an entourage, and will never have an entourage, but I guess if he did, I may as well be with it.  Derek explained that we were friends and were just catching up, but still every time one of them saw me through the evening, they would say, “And who are you again?”

 

We talked a bit about Noisetrade.com, Twitter, his two adorable children, and my hopes for an arranged marriage between his two-month-old daughter and Levi’s one-month-old son.  (Because, seriously!  Can you imagine the musical genius that would come out of that?)

 

 

I also took Derek a gift – a copy of The Unlikely Disciple, which Kevin Roose personally autographed to him.  I figured it was only fair that after introducing Derek’s music to Kevin, I should introduce Kevin’s book to Derek.  Before I gave it to him, though, another guy walked up and asked me what book I was holding.  I flipped it over to show him, and he said, “You’re not gonna believe this.”  He proceeded to whip out his iPhone and show me that a mere two hours earlier one of his friends had texted him to say, “Next time you’re in B&N, pick up a copy of The Unlikely Disciple.”  I just said, “Well, there you go.  I guess you better get a copy now!”

 

Derek had not heard of the book, so I gave him the brief rundown, and I have a feeling he will enjoy reading it.  I snapped a photo of him with the book, mainly for Kevin’s benefit:

 

 

Derek headed backstage before the crowd rolled in, and I headed back to my spot on the front row that Katie was saving for me.  Before the show, I made it a point to go and make friends with the guy who said he was going to make a bootleg of the show.  He was a fan from way back, too, so we had something in common.  Devoted, too!  He told me that he has driven 14 hours on occasion to hear Derek play!  I would do that, too, but thankfully I’ve never had to, because he usually has a show within a few hours of me three or four times a year.  (Oh, and just for the record, Derek is 100% in support of bootlegs.  So it’s not like I’m outing this guy or anything.)

 

There was an opening act, whose name escapes me at the moment (isn’t that awful?) – I think it was something Pete.  I really liked his voice and some of his song concepts showed great potential.  He was a young guy, so I am sure he will continue to grow and get better over time, and then perhaps I will hear his name again and remember it next time!

 

Derek sent a tweet from backstage saying he was trying to decide what to play.  (I had already submitted my request, or I would have responded.)  I like that he shoots from the cuff, and I love that he actually asks for requests.  As he says, “I can’t promise I’ll play any of the songs you want, but I’d like to hear what they are.”

 

I lost track long ago of how many Derek Webb shows I’ve seen, but I think Saturday’s was one of the best.  The atmosphere at the church was great, and the crowd was smaller, but obviously devoted.  Most of all, Derek seemed to be in rare form, and while he sports a wry sense of humor that always gets a chuckle out of me, I found myself actually cracking up laughing several times, along with the rest of the audience.  He joked about “the closest thing to a hit that I’ve ever had” that was on Grey’s Anatomy, and about why he and Sandra got married so soon after they started dating.  (“I did not want her to get to know me any better until we were on the other side of an irrevocable lifelong commitment.”)

 

 

When he called out for requests, the old songs started popping up, as they often do.  He agreed to play some of them even though he hadn’t played them in years, and as he stood on stage strumming through chords trying to remember the right key, he quipped, “I don’t want to hear any complaining.  This is what you paid good money to see.”  One request in particular gave him trouble.  He even got about a verse into it and suddenly stopped and said, “Oh!  I know what the problem is!”

 

Thus began a long and thoroughly entertaining story about the song, “Dance,” after which Derek looked at the requester and said, “This is all your fault, sir.”  He noted that his diatribe might have made a good blog entry, and said he needed a proxy blogger, and I agreed to the job.  But first, a few points of reference:

 

“Dance” is a song Derek wrote about his grandmother.  It appeared on the Caedmon’s Call album, “Long Line of Leavers,” and then after Derek went solo, it popped up on “The House Show” (a live album) in a different style.  So, for this sub-blog entry, pretend I’m Derek Webb, and I’ll try to do justice to his story:

 

I know what’s wrong with this song.  There are two versions and I’m trying to mix them together.  I wrote this song about my grandmother when I was in Caedmon’s Call for the album “Long Line of Leavers.”  Our producer at the time – and he was a really great producer – came to me and said he liked the song, but there were already too many songs on the album with that sound.  So, he sat down and played this jazzy, smooth version of my song, and I absolutely hated it.  I hated everything about it.  But, even though it was my song, a band is a democratic system, and I only got 1 out of 7 votes.  So, it went on the album and then I just pretty much refused to play it for the next 5 years.

 

That’s why, when I went solo, my first album, “She Must and Shall Go Free,” was all Americana.  I had to get it out of my system after it had been suppressed for all those years!  Then, I found a copy of “Dance,” the way I originally wrote it.  It feels strange to hate a song about your grandmother, you know?  I don’t hate my grandmother.  So, I gave the song another chance and realized it was a pretty good song.  So, I went back to playing it how it was meant to be.

 

So, do me this favor, if you have that Caedmon’s record, skip that song.  Or, if you have it on your hard drive or whatever, just delete it.  Do it for me.

 

 

Derek then proceeded to play the song as it was intended, and he’s right – it’s better that way.  I didn’t take note of the full setlist, but from what I remember several days later, he also played “I Want a Broken Heart,” “Awake My Soul” (by request), “Wedding Dress,” “A King and a Kingdom,” “A New Law,” “Name,” “This Too Shall Be Made Right,” and “A Savior on Capitol Hill.” 

 

 

When he talked about marriage (“I have been to the other side of the mountain and have come back to tell you that it is good.”), he played two Sandra-inspired songs, “I Wanna Marry You All Over Again,” and “I Hate Everything (But You).”  For the single folk, he played “Table for Two,” which has long been a favorite of mine.  I flipped my camera to video for that one:

 

 

 

 

As time was running low, he said he was going to play two more songs, and I added, “And one of them is ‘Somewhere North,’ right?”  “Oh!  Right!”

 

“Somewhere North” is in my top 5 favorite songs EVER, in any genre and from any artist, so I request it often.  When he plays it live, it has two extra lines that were not on the album (40 Acres).  I guess that was probably another one of those scenarios where he lost on a vote.  I recorded that one, too:

 

 

 

 

I had told Derek before the show that I probably wouldn’t be around afterwards, since we were driving back to VA that night.  But, seriously, who am I kidding?  We hung around after to chat.  Plus, by the end of the show, Katie was a full-fledged Derek Webb fan (Derek quipped, “I should put you on the payroll”), so we waited around for Katie to get her CD signed.

 

We started talking about music along the lines of Midlake, St. Vincent (Derek has already heard the demos from the new album and said it is fantastic), Patty Griffin (who reminds me very much of Derek’s wife, Sandra McCracken), and of course, Ryan Adams.

 

Here is a picture of Derek and Katie.  (Yes, I cropped myself out.  So sue me.)

 

 

The drive back to VA wasn’t nearly as tedious as I had anticipated.  We stopped for some snacks along the way and jammed to my Dance playlist for something to keep us wide awake.  We got home about 1:00, which I thought was not bad at all.  Of course, I promised to take Katie along on the next Derek Webb road trip.

 

Prior to Saturday’s concert, Derek had been in Texas for a week working on his upcoming album, “Stockholm Syndrome.”  He said we should hear something official on that within the next month or so, and I, for one, cannot wait.  He said it’s different than anything he’s done before, which I have no trouble believing, since every solo album he’s released has been quite a bit different from the one before.  But I’ve learned over the years that there really is no such thing as a bad Derek Webb song.  Not even “Bus Driver,” no matter what Derek says.

Can you hear it? It’s the Song of the Redeemed.

My own words are insufficient for this day, so I am borrowing from the words of others.

 

Matthew 28:6 – “He is not here, for He has risen, just as He said.”

 

John 15:3 – “Greater love hath no man than this; that he lay down his life for his friends.”

 

 

Holy Roar

 

Oh, can you hear it?

It’s the song of the redeemed

The pursuit of passion for the one who set us free

Oh, can you hear it?

We’re crying out for more

Listen to our song

It’s turning into a Holy Roar

 

 

Did You Feel the Mountains Tremble?

 

Did you feel the mountains tremble?
Did you hear the oceans roar?
When the people rose to sing of
Jesus Christ the risen one

Did you feel the people tremble?
Did you hear the singers roar?
When the lost began to sing of
Jesus Christ the risen one

And we can see that God you’re moving
A mighty river through the nations
And young and old will turn to Jesus
Fling wide your heavenly gates
Prepare the way of the risen Lord

Open up the doors and let the music play
Let the streets resound with singing
Songs that bring your hope
Songs that bring your joy
Dancers who dance upon injustice

Did you feel the darkness tremble?
When all the saints join in one song
And all the streams flow as one river
To wash away our brokenness

And here we see that God you’re moving
A time of Jubilee is coming
When young and old return to Jesus
Fling wide your heavenly gates
Prepare the way of the risen Lord

 

 

Thy Mercy

 

Great Father of Mercies, Thy goodness I own

In the covenant love of Thy crucified Son

All Praise to the Spirit whose whisper divine

Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine.

 

 

 

Grace Flows Down

 

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
Amazing Love, now flowing down
From hands and feet that were nailed to the tree

His Grace flows down and covers me

 

 

Amazing Love

 

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken,
I’m accepted, You were condemned.
I’m alive and well, Your spirit is within me,
Because You died and rose again.

Amazing love, how can it be?
That You, my King, would die for me?
Amazing love, I know it’s true.
It’s my joy to honor You,
In all I do, I honor You.

 

 

Wonderful Cross

 

When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of Glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride

 

See from his head, his hands, his feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did ever such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

 

O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live
O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
All who gather here by grace draw near and bless Your name

Were the whole realm of nature mine, that were an offering far too small
Love so amazing, so divine
Demands my soul, my life, my all

 

 

The Old Rugged Cross

 

On a hill far away stood an old rugged cross,

The emblem of suffering and shame;

And I love that old cross where the dearest and best

For a world of lost sinners was slain.

 

So I’ll cherish the old rugged cross,

Till my trophies at last I lay down;

I will cling to the old rugged cross,

And exchange it some day for a crown.

 

O that old rugged cross, so despised by the world,

Has a wondrous attraction for me;

For the dear Lamb of God left his glory above

To bear it to dark Calvary.

 

In that old rugged cross, stained with blood so divine,

A wondrous beauty I see,

For ’twas on that old cross Jesus suffered and died,

To pardon and sanctify me.

 

To that old rugged cross I will ever be true,

Its shame and reproach gladly bear;

Then he’ll call me some day to my home far away,

Where his glory forever I’ll share.

 

So I’ll cherish the old rugged cross,

Till my trophies at last I lay down;

I will cling to the old rugged cross,

And exchange it some day for a crown.

How Do You Keep Love Alive?

“I guess I have the gift that everyone speaks so highly of –

funny how nobody wants it.”

 

I have that “gift” of single-ness that Derek Webb spoke of in that song, and most of the time, I don’t want it either. Lately, though, I’ve had a paradigm shift in my perspective on love.

 

Namely, it sucks.

 

I’ve grown pretty comfortable with the single life and the freedom that comes with it. I don’t have to worry about anybody else’s junk in my apartment, and I don’t have to clear my schedule with anyone if I decide to take off to New York on the spur of the moment. That seems like a pretty fair trade for having to take out my own trash and buy my own dinner.

 

I have always planned to get married, as that is what people do, and I guess it would be nice to have someone to go with me on those last-minute trips, or to care about what kind of day I’m having.

 

However, I do not relish the thought that I could find my so-called “soulmate,” get married, and maybe even start a family just in time for my husband to decide he doesn’t love me anymore and wants his own life back.

 

If the national divorce rate is 50%, I feel like it must be at least 75% within my circle of friends. Just today another friend of mine showed up to tell me about his impending divorce. Is it something in the air? Is the economic downturn bad for marriage? Are people from my generation just so used to having their own way that they are too selfish to share their lives with another person?

 

I don’t know what it is – but I know I don’t want any part of it.

 

Each situation is a little different.

 

There’s the couple that never should’ve gotten married in the first place, because they didn’t bother getting to know each other, so when the lovey-dovey feeling wore off, she just tossed him aside like last week’s leftovers to go find that “feeling” again.

 

Then, there’s the loud-mouthed tramp who should be thanking her lucky stars that she managed to land a guy who was always way too good for her – but that would probably detract from the time necessary to cheat on him with his best friend.

 

Or, the real kicker – the true horror story – the couple that goes together like meat and potatoes and have every plausible reason to live happily ever after, but instead are living across town from each other, alone.

 

That’s only a few examples. And two-thirds of those probably never should have gotten married in the first place. (In fact, I’m having flashbacks of “Please, please, whatever you do, do not marry that girl.” But people do what they want, and hey, I tried, right?) The point is – they’re married now. And last time I checked, marriage isn’t one of those things you can switch on and off like a light switch. Or it bloody well shouldn’t be.

 

For example, if you’re not even divorced yet, you probably shouldn’t go ahead and change your name back on Facebook, switch your status to “single,” and start fishing for your next victim.

 

I’m sorry you don’t “feel” like you’re in love anymore. I really am. I’m sorry you didn’t get the memo that love is not a feeling, and that while your mushy-gushy crap may last for a few years, eventually you have to make a decision to love someone for better or for worse. Marriage doesn’t come with a money-back guarantee, and there is no such thing as a do-over. In fact, if you’re not happy now, statistics (and common sense) will tell you that your next romantic foray will only lead to even greater unhappiness and an even faster divorce.

 

So here’s a novel idea. Maybe you shouldn’t get married until you’re actually ready. And by ready, I mean, willing to turn in your “me” card and put someone else first instead. Then maybe, if you’re having problems, you can turn to the person who knows you and loves you best in the world, instead of turning away from them. You can actually stand by your promises instead of bailing out.

 

I’m not going to lie. I think some of these offending parties deserve what’s coming to them. If you cheat on your husband after you’ve already treated him like the dirt on the bottom of your shoe for years, then yeah, I hope you are miserable. For others though, I am sad to think about the day they realize that they’re alone and have lost the people they love most in the world – and may not even know why.

 

As for me, thank God I’m alone. Thank God my heart, unlike so many others around me, is still in one piece. Thank God I’m not facing any decisions that are going to haunt me for the rest of my life. And thank God that tomorrow He’ll probably send me a reason to keep believing in true love.

I Sit In Silence When Your Song Comes On the Radio

Music ignites passion in me.

I was one of those toddlers who sang along to the radio before I even did much talking.  When I hear a song, it can transport me back to a time, place, or emotion long since forgotten.  Many of my most vivid memories include a soundtrack:  my Daddy singing “Big John” in the kitchen while making breakfast on Saturday mornings, the first time I stood on a stage and sang a solo with a quivering microphone, or riding entirely too fast in my ex-boyfriend’s Cobra at 3am with the windows down as he screamed out the words to “Pick Me Up Love” because he said it reminded him of me.

My first celebrity crush was Clint Black, with his unnecessarily tight jeans, sport jacket, cowboy hat and harmonica.  After that, it was Jordan Knight and the New Kids on the Block.  I probably still know all the words to every song on Mariah Carey’s Music Box, even though I don’t even know what happened to my copy of that CD.  Like many people my age, I got through my angry teen years with a hearty dose of Alanis Morrisette’s Jagged Little Pill.  And ten years ago, someone handed me a Caedmon’s Call cassette tape (yes, CASSETTE tape) that changed my life.

I didn’t face another musical revolution until (wow, I just took great pains to go look this up and was surprised to realize the date was) April 1, 2006.  I had *just* signed up for MySpace and I got one of those irritating friend requests from a musician named Levi Weaver  Fortunately for me, I was new enough to MySpace that I hadn’t been jaded by the endless barrage of talentless hacks trying to get me to listen to their sub-par attempts at garage-band indie rock, and I went ahead and clicked on over to his page and started listening.

His music took me quite by surprise.  It wasn’t my usual style, but I couldn’t stop listening to it, and his cathartic lyrics left my heart lodged stubbornly in my throat for days until I eventually broke down and sobbed.  I wouldn’t expect everyone to have that reaction, but his music addressed a lot of feelings I had been keeping buried, hidden from everyone—including myself.

That first day, as I listened, I perused his bio and messaged him to let him know that I liked his music and wanted to hear more of it.  I’m sure he had no earthly idea what he was getting into by replying to me, but thus began a friendship of three years (and counting) that is very dear to me.

I first met Levi (face to face) on July 17, 2006 when he stopped in New York City to play a show on his way home to visit his family in Texas.  I drove up and braved the city on my own to see him and hear him play.  I was already at the venue when Levi called to say he had landed, but the airline had lost all his luggage – including his guitar that the airline made him check when he left England—and that he was going to be late.  His opening act (Dan Donnelly) was already a few songs into his set when Levi arrived with nothing but his carry-on bag.  No guitar, no loop pedals, no violin bow, and understandably frazzled.  He borrowed Dan’s guitar and loop pedals, which had already begun to malfunction before Dan’s set ended, and the show carried on.  I don’t think anyone could have faulted him for calling off the show at that point, and he certainly would have had a solid excuse for playing the worst show of his life.  Instead, he took to the stage with a self-deprecating smile and played a spectacular set.  I didn’t need to be convinced of his talent.  I had driven to New York believing in that already.  But I still left that show amazed, fully convinced that he could never be deterred, and knowing that he possessed a rare and formidable talent that could not be overlooked. 

Since that time, he’s released a self-produced EP titled Civil War Between My Heart and Mind, toured the U.S. and Canada with Imogen Heap, moved back to the states, finished his fantastic full-length album (You Are Never Close to Home, You Are Never Far From Home), married a great girl, and most recently, welcomed his first child to the world.

I wish I had words that could adequately convince you of his talent, or even describe it sufficiently, but I do not.  I can, however, offer a fantastic alternative:

You can download Levi’s full-length album for free HERE on NoiseTrade.com.  (That brilliant website happens to have been co-founded by Derek Webb, and offers you the chance to tell 5 friends and get music for free, or pay what you want for the music, from $1-$25. Of that, 90% goes directly to the artist.)  I went and “paid-what-I-wanted” for the album via NoiseTrade today, despite the fact that I obviously already have it.

I am going to implore you to go and get the album for yourself.  You can tell 5 other people about it and get it for free, or you can pay what you want for it and support Levi.  I would like to suggest that you do the latter.  Levi is a full-time musician who also has to be his own manager and booking agent and “bus” driver, just trying to make it happen while supporting his family.  He doesn’t have a record label to promote him or to pay for his CDs to be printed and stocked on the shelves at your local Wal-Mart.  What he does have is brilliant music and a great heart.  I can assure you that “Which Drink?” alone is worth $25, but even if you pay $1, that’s one dollar in support of quality music without so much as a penny going to any evil, over-grown bully record companies.

 If you need more convincing, I offer the following videos.  First, a live version of Levi’s cover of Radiohead’s “Idioteque” (which is on the album), filmed at one of the shows on the Imogen Heap tour.  This is a good video example of how the loops work, and it also shows Levi’s ability to roll with the punches onstage:

Secondly, a hands-on (in more ways than one) music video of “You Are Home,” which is also on the album:

I hope you will at least go check out the music and see for yourself.  I had a great time having Levi here to play a show downtown at The Starlight Cafe back in October, so I hope he’ll be back in town again soon.  Hopefully next time, he can bring the whole family.